Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
