Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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