my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
