so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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