I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Moan for me like Helen Keller
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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