one word: firstdatebathroomanal
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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