The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
