Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
