whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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