2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
