she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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