It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
