half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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