Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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