Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
