Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
