Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I've blown a few things in my day
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
