I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
