Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
