u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
