just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
