Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
