Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
