seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
