Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
