It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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