if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
