Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Michael Bay diarrhea
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
