I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
