i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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