If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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