Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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