He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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