Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
