Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
