Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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