This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
