Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
