I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
