We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
