I just cut my nipple shaving
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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