he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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