I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
