I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
