Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
