Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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