While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
