Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
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It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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