I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
