Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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