She went from zero to smokin in five shots
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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