i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
