My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
