you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
