Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
